2nd Parent Adoption was designed for a step-parent to legally adopt their spouse’s child. It is legal in about ½ of the states, but mostly for heterosexual couples and even then, you have to be a legal resident of that state. It is happening for us because I heard about a county in Florida, where a loophole exists, allowing out of state residents to hire an attorney to act on their behalf to pursue the adoption. It was all very complicated and very expensive, BUT very legal. So far, in 2013, our attorney has successfully handled over 200 such adoptions.
What this adoption allows us:
-If I died, there would be no question, no worries about
where the girls would go. No one could fight to take them. Without this
adoption, they would be wards of the state until guardianship could be
appointed.
-They can now be on my spouse’s health insurance. She has
worked 24 years for the same company, (only using 1 sick day in all those
years) yet they’ve denied allowing me or the girls on her health insurance
repeatedly.
-She can take them to the hospital, by herself, if needed.
She can make decisions for them in medical emergencies and not fear being separated
from them (this happens often to same sex parents).
-The girls will be legally linked to all of my spouse’s
family as if they were blood relatives. This is especially important regarding
inheritance & taxes.
Once the adoption is final, she & I will be equal
parents with equal rights and responsibilities like any other set of parents
who are listed on their child’s birth certificate. The birth certificate is
another round of this fight. Thankfully, the attorney is handling this and she
expects we will have a Birth Certificate, for each daughter, re-issued with
BOTH our names on it very soon. (Right now, it’s just me, making me look like a
single mother.) Our attorney is only aware of one other same sex couple who have
managed to get Oklahoma to re-issue a birth certificates listing both parents,
lucky for us, she was their attorney also!
Baba holding her "commemorative" birth certificates that the sweet nurses at the hospital created for us.
So why do I feel such a contradiction of emotions today?
Today is the culmination of a lot of work, a lot of waiting and worry. It will
finally be over. Why am I not thrilled on our Adoption Day? Maybe because this
should never have had to happen. Why
does my spouse, whom I legally married before our children were even a dream,
have to adopt our children? My spouse who was there through every step of
planning and conceiving her daughters, now has to respectfully request a
stranger grant her these rights to her own children?
Isn’t this wonderful?! Adoption! It is now legal for us,
people “like us” to be equal legal parents of our own children?! The children
we conceived together and have cared for since birth, for 13 months. Oh, we are
so, so lucky!! Pardon me, if I don’t feel enthusiasm over the situation.
We had to pay someone to come into our home, inspect every
room, every cabinet, (checking for the safety and well-being of our children). We had to present her with years of our
financial information to prove we could afford to take care of our children
(tax returns, bank statements, titles to vehicles). Give her copies of my
college transcripts, letters from friends and family “recommending” us as
parents. Write autobiographies, family biographies describing relationships
with our parents, siblings etc. Then there was the interview. We answered all
her invasive questions; our 6 year old answered all her questions (then we had
to answer all his questions about her questions). Pages of answers. It was such
a numbing experience, telling a stranger every detail of your life. Have your life laid out to be examined, so
she could then put it all a 40+ page report to the judge. All to determine if you were “fit” to parent
your own children. Oh, and that part of the process alone cost us nearly
$1,000. That was a tough check to write.
As you can see by these photos, we definitely needed to be screened and investigated extensively to prove we are "fit" to be the legal parents of our children.
I am proud that we are helping pave the way for other same
sex parents in our state. I feel the weight as we’ve pushed these squeaky
wheels into motion. I’m excited that this is finally almost over. I’m also angry about it. In a time when
having two loving parents seems to not be the norm, why did we have to fight so
hard? I have a spouse who has wanted to be recognized as their legal parent
from the beginning. She’s longed to pay those health insurance premiums each
month. Yet, we had to jump through
ridiculous hoops to do it.
I guess I’m writing all this to say I’m just such a pissed
off, happy mess today! Some families call this date every year their “Familiversary”,
the day their family became legal. We just don’t feel right celebrating it that
way. We don’t want smiley pictures with the judge beaming at our babies. We
will go to an office today, be sworn in and be granted equal legal rights to
our children. There will be no balloons
or cake or photo announcements sent. We shouldn’t have had to go through all
this. We shouldn’t feel lucky to have rights to our own children. It’s messed
up. It’s a relief a HUGE relief and that is it.
*I don’t mean to take
away from families who do have big or even little celebrations over their 2nd
parent adoption. It’s just not how I feel about the experience with my family.
My feelings, my blog. Congrats to those who do celebrate, to each their own.
