Mom, I reallllyyy wanna be a Butter Cub!

Time for another writing prompt from my awesome blogging group! This week we were to write about a challenge we are facing.

Pumpkin, our 1^st grader, came home from school Monday clutching a wrinkled, well-worn flyer from the local Boy Scout troop. They are recruiting. Pumpkin, who is not interested in organized sports or organized anything for that matter, is VERY interested in joining the boys pictured on this flyer. There are images of smiling boys shooting skeet, racing cars, camping & hiking. It is apparent from the looks of this paper that it has made many trips in & out of his pocket, folded & refolded, studied much. Please, he says, please will you sign this and say I can do it? I really want to be a Butter Cub! (no idea why he called it that, but it was cute)

So, here is the challenge: The Boy Scouts of America does not respect my family, heck, they don’t even recognize that we ARE a family. I see a lot of value in the skills & life lessons they teach, but when I look at this flyer and see words like “compassion, character development, leadership”, I think Hypocrites with a capital H. But, I also see my son’s hopeful eyes and innocent spirit. He is 6, he knows nothing about politics & prejudice. Sigh. Why oh why can’t he just be in to t-ball, or karate or the ump-teen other things we get recruiting flyers for?!?

D & I tell him, we will think about it. We will go to the parent meeting, talk with the Den Leader and think about it. I’m not one for confrontation or loud public displays of disagreement, so I thought it best to email the leader, to give her a head’s up on our situation prior to the meeting. Here is the email I sent:

Hi Angie –

My son is interested in joining the program. I will be attending the meeting with him tomorrow evening, but had a few questions first. I don’t want to put you on the spot in front of other parents or make you uncomfortable so thought it best to ask the questions via email.

We are a 2 Mom family. I understand that the Boy Scouts have recently changed their position and policy statements to be more inclusive of gay & lesbian members; however, not accepting of leaders/parent volunteers. Our son got very excited when he saw the flyer and wants to join. He is in 1st grade and doesn’t understand the politics/controversy our family unit might cause in scouting. So here are my questions:

1.       If he joins the program will we as a family be able to attend his scouting activities? I understand we wouldn’t be allowed to be trained volunteers (sadly), but attend the events (matchbox car races etc.)?

 

2.       Is there ever a time in the program when same-sex families or issues would be addressed? (I would think not, I would think it would be a non-issue, but just wanted to make sure there isn’t a time families like ours would be portrayed negatively)

We think the scouting program has wonderful things to offer.  We are not interested in causing controversy or stress for anyone. We really just want our son to be able to take part in the program, as long as it isn’t detrimental to his attitude & feelings about his family dynamic.

Sincerely,

Amber

(I did not receive a reply to the email. It’s been 3 days and I still haven’t)

Meeting day came, I picked Pumpkin up from school and he was vibrating with excitement, “is today the meeting? The cub meeting?” Yes, it’s today. D stayed home with the girls, so it was just me & Pumpkin. We went to the meeting. I was picturing parents & eager sons in chairs, leaders up front with a basic scouting overview and time for Q&A, maybe some cookies..…what we got was a school cafeteria wild with shouting, running children, tables of adults filling out forms, writing checks & leaving. No overview, no cookies, certainly no leadership. No chance to ask questions at all.

I wanted to leave. Pumpkin sensed this and quickly grabbed up an application. “Mom, do you need a pen?” he said, with this desperate look in his eyes. Sigh. I thought, Ok, I’ll do the paperwork, we can always back out later.

We waited in line to turn in the application & check. Here’s the scene: One frazzled looking lady & many, many children & parents all trying to talk to her at once, my son included.  Somehow, he got her attention. He handed her the app and said, “I have two baby sisters, will they be able to come to my meetings?” I quickly assured her the babies will not join us at meetings, we’d get a sitter.” She smiled, looked thankful and moved on to another parent. We were walking away, when Pumpkin pulled his hand from mine, marched up to the lady and said, “I wasn’t finished! What I want to know is, will my sisters and my parents be allowed to come to my meetings…and stuff?” I do not know what the look was on the lady’s face at this point, because my eyes were a bit blurry. I did hear her though, she said, “Of course! We love having parents at everything we do!”

Pumpkin was beaming. He rushed back to me, “Did you hear that Mom?” Oh yes, I heard it. I felt it. I’m still feeling it in all kinds of ways.  I’m not sure if he overheard D & me talking the night before, or if he was just concerned about going to future meetings alone? I do know the lady had not read my email at this point because her answer was not a loaded one. It was a quick, innocent, straight, “we welcome everyone” response. And that is not the scouting way.

On the ride home I told Pumpkin how proud & touched I was that he was concerned about our family being accepted & included. I asked him, what would you say, if the lady said no, your family cannot go to all the activities? In his 6 year old honesty he said, “I don’t know Mom, I really, really want to be a Butter Cub”. I laughed and corrected him..again, “It’s a Tiger Cub son.” We laughed together and I just dropped the subject because I could feel his anxiety over it.

I hate leaving a post with no resolution, but I still have no reply from the email. The lady said there would be an informational meeting scheduled in the next two-weeks. I’m anxiously awaiting her response & the meeting. I want this to work out for Pumpkin. I want this to work out for us. I want this to work out for the Boy Scouts of America. That’s my challenge though, if it doesn’t work out. If they won’t accept our family and welcome our involvement, how do I break this news to our son? How do I use this as a teaching lesson without hurting him?

I guess we can start a troop of Butter Cubs, I could teach cooking, scrapbooking, couponing? Seriously though, this is a current and ongoing challenge for our family. I have no answers yet, but I’ll keep ya’ll posted!

If you’d like to read about what challenges others in my group are writing about, check out this link.

UPDATE - She replied to my email, late last night:

I think I talked to you on the phone and covered this. I will get the application to the school. Our information/pack meeting is Sept. 9 at 6pm.

My reply:   We have not spoken on the phone. I was at the school Tuesday & filled out the application then. It must have been another 2 Mom family you spoke with.

Her reply:   You are still invited to our meeting on Sept. 9th.

I am not thrilled with her response & refusal to address any of the issues BUT I am thrilled to hear that maybe, just maybe there is another family like ours in the school system!!!! After Sep. 9th I may owe a BIG thank you to the Boy Scouts of America for connecting local LGBT families! heehee! :-)
 

Challenges for Our Unique Family

I'm sharing some of the challenges & realities our family faces due to the fact that we are a same sex couple. I do so, not to gain sympathy, but because when we talk about these issues with family or friends (especially those outside the state of Oklahoma) they are surprised and sometimes even in disbelief. So, I figure, many of you don't realize the challenges involved and maybe, just maybe, if you are surpised or in disbelief you will speak up when it comes to equal rights for ALL in this country. Even if you just speak up to a gay/lesbian couple, to let them know you support them, it's a start.
Some things we as a family have already faced and some things to ponder:

1. When we used the services of a Reproductive Specialist we broke the law. It is illegal in Oklahoma for a same sex couple to seek help to have a child. Our Dr. informed us of this and then said, he didn't care about the law, he was in the business of helping families. He told us he's been happily breaking the law for almost 30 years and he's helped create countless beautiful families!

2. As a spouse, I cannot be covered by D's insurance and neither can our children. This would save us apx. $400 a month in premiums alone & her insurance has better coverage than mine. It would cover the entire pregnancy with no out of pocket costs because it would be secondary insurance for me.

3. We could lose our jobs (although unlikely) for being a same sex couple. There are workplace anti-discrimination laws for many classes, but not for sexual orientation. Oklahoma is also a "fire at will" state. Again, not likely, but in Oklahoma not impossible either.

4. She cannot have her name on the birth certificate and has no legal rights to our children. Some of the more progressive states now have "second parent adoption", where both parents are listed on the birth certificate and have equal legal rights, this is not an option in Oklahoma. Even if I carried D's biological child (her egg) she would have no legal rights in Oklahoma. We've met with an attorney about this and have set up paperwork so that if I died or were incapacitated a judge would have to consider my request that D become guardian, HOWEVER; the judge does not have to grant this request. We've also done the paperwork for Health Care Proxy and an Advance Directive & Living Will in the event that something happened that we could make major healthcare decisions for one another.  We hope the court would abide by our wishes, but in Oklahoma they are not obligated to do so. This paperwork is all we have though in hopes that it will speak to an open minded judge if needed. NONE of this paperwork would be necessary for a heterosexual couple; and although not technically legally binding, still we are paying the thousands of $$$$ to have it drafted and filed.  It's the only thing we can do to protect our family.

5. We are married, legally in Massachusetts, however; must file & pay taxes as "single" which basically means we pay a whole lot more and get zero tax breaks. Even though we have joint checking, joint investments and own a home & vehicles together. Everything we have is joint...including our last name.  We'll also have to pay taxes on any money the other leaves through retirement funds. Heterosexual couples do not. We work and live just like most married couples and yet get no benefits for doing so. *and folks wonder why we aren't satisfied with "civil unions" or "domestic partnerships". The tax reasons alone should explain why we deserve full marriage rights.

6. There is a real possiblity that D will not be granted time off work for the birth of our children. Her leave has to be approved and so far has not. After 23yrs with this company, she has several weeks of annual & sick leave built up, but can't use sick leave or even unpaid FMLA leave because "legally" it is not the birth of her child, biological, adopted or otherwise. *What's extremely upsetting to me is that men at her workplace are regularly granted such leave to be with their "Baby Momma" when she gives birth and even a week or longer afterward. They don't have to prove a biological connection or produce adoption papers to use their leave.  We are a married couple who planned this family!

Okay, before I go off too far on a rant, I'll close. Long post, but these are just a few of the issues we face. There are many more, not so much legal, but social and even psychological challenges, doubts and fears all due to the uniqueness of our little family. I'll be posting about those in the future, but for now ponder what I've shared, consider being in this situation yourself and if you find it bothersome or unjust, speak up when an opportunity presents itself. Because being on this side of the issue in Oklahoma, well, sometimes the silence can be deafening.