My Love Story

In an effort to keep blogging & get better at it I've joined a blogging group. This week's writing prompt is "The scariest thing I ever did....and why I did it" I am the newest of newbies in the group. I know my blog sucks and my writing has major room for improvement, but I'm having too much fun to let it hold me back and dammit I'm working on it! If you want to see what others in the group have written for this week's assignment, you can find the links here.  Now, on to my post for this week's prompt:

The scariest thing..

I fell in love with a woman. I am a woman and I married a woman. The actual marriage wasn’t the scariest thing, it was the courtship and coming out about our relationship. Why did I do it? What a strange question. I couldn’t not do it. I don’t feel there was a choice. The story is complicated, but the answers are simple.

Let’s start at the beginning. It was Fall of 2009, I was married to a man, living in the suburbs, with our 2yo son (I’ll call him Pumpkin). I was living a life, that in this area, is considered “privileged”. I never looked at the bank account, went to the salon weekly, placed regular $100 bi-weekly orders with the Avon lady & Schwann’s man. Privilege I tell ya! But I was married to a work-a-holic who spent his every free moment in the casino. ( I should have known, we were married in Vegas for goodness sake!) Pumpkin was my dinner date, movie date, my everything. I won’t go on about all that was wrong in that marriage, I’ll just say it was a very lonely life in the burbs.

I was part of a ladies only, Supper Club, that met monthly. Our rule was no kids, no husbands. It was just a time for us to cook new foods together, laugh, drink wine and enjoy our friendships. Our friend Wendy, kept the 6 of us organized as to the themes and who would host etc. We called ourselves The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pans! In November, she invited a 7^th to join us. It was D. Wendy warned us all before D arrived, “D is a lesbian, she’s super cool, but she can’t cook a damn thing!” D arrived with her frozen, grocery store garlic bread and we could tell she was nervous. She didn’t really seem to fit our privileged, sassy little group. Wendy introduced us and as we shook hands a jolt of electricity shot up my arm. I knew; the instant we met, that she would be in my life in some capacity beyond Supper Club. I had no inkling that it would be romantically, I really just thought she’d be a lifelong friend.  She had these sparkling green eyes and a constant genuine smile, a smile that said she enjoyed life. Even through her nervousness, she seemed to really be enjoying the experience of our lively group. We had a Table Question the hostess would ask the group, we would each answer while eating. It always led to deeper conversations. D’s answers, that night and nights in the following months fascinated me. It led to more conversations with her and I was right, we did become friends outside of Supper Club.

During this time, Wendy, who had just turned 35, became ill.  She had a cough that would not go away. It never did. She was a healthy, young, non-smoker, diagnosed with lung cancer. It rocked our group to the core. She was diagnosed and gone within 6 months. It was an awful, terrible time. I had just lost my mother to lung cancer 2 years prior and it brought a flood of grief unlike anything I’d ever experienced. I turned to my husband for support and found none. Found him completely absent during this time. We separated very soon after. This is April/May, 2010.

Pumpkin & I moved into a tiny little house in a town nearby. It was more of a hippy/artsy village and we LOVED it! No more salon visits or Avon orders and I did not miss it a bit. D & a couple of family members helped us move. My family & friends did not understand at all why I would leave “such a wonderful life”. I’m pretty sure they thought I’d lost my mind. Well, everyone but D. She kept telling me how proud she was of me. She knew the truth of the situation. The others didn’t. I had put on a great façade all those years. Beautiful home, the perfect Christmas card photo, you know, all that crap.  We all have friends like this, where we think wow, their life is so perfect! That was my lie of a life and I was leaving it behind in a wake of confused family & friends. Truth be told, maybe I did lose my mind a bit, but I found myself in the process.

D became my closest friend, she didn’t question why I’d left, never asked how “he” was or if I was sure I had tried everything I could to save the marriage. We hiked, watched tv, cooked together. Then one night, as she was leaving to go home it was storming outside. I stood there with her by the door waiting for the rain to let up so she could make a run for her truck. We were laughing and all of a sudden she stopped laughing, I said what? And she kissed me! And I do mean she kissed me! One kiss that I felt head to heart to toe.  It was thrilling and terrifying all at once. I had wanted it to happen, of course, I can’t believe it took as long as it did. We had crossed a line though, from friendship to ? (this is where the relationship gets steamy hot, but I won’t be sharing THAT! Back to the scary part…)

After she left that night I couldn’t stop smiling. I couldn’t stop thinking. What did this mean for us? There were so many things to consider. We live in a rural area, a relationship like ours would not be accepted much less celebrated. What would my family think? I’ve given no indication in the past that I would ever be involved with a woman. How will this affect Pumpkin, who at this point is 3. 

  We live in a state where you can be fired for being gay & I worked with children on a military base. I realized I was surrounded by homophobes. Hell, you could be beaten or killed and it's not even considered a hate crime here. Also, my divorce was not yet final. We had reached an agreement, but I hadn’t even officially filed the papers. Could I lose custody of my son? All of these thoughts were scary. Many were terrifying. Fear settle firmly inside me. I had so much to consider and I struggled with it for weeks.

 One thing I didn’t consider was ending things with D. I couldn’t. I told her and myself that the only way I would consider ending our relationship was if it came between her & my child. Nothing else could move me. I had fallen in love with her; but instead of being able to enjoy it and announce to the world, I found myself racked with worry.  My hair began falling out, my stomach was completely torn up, I developed insomnia. I kept this huge secret for months and it felt horrible. This secret was going to come out one way or another. It was destroying me keeping it in and it I feared it would destroy my relationship with family & more than a few friendships if I let it out.

Scared, is an understatement of what I felt during those months. As scared as I was of coming out about our relationship, I was even more scared for it to end because I wouldn’t come out. D had lived honestly the past several years and would tolerate only the same from me. The struggle between fear & the truth was so painful, but the truth had to be told. It had to be, because I loved this woman. Plain and simple. A love I could no longer deny. In August 2011, D asked me to marry her. We planned a December wedding in Massachusetts. I couldn’t keep this secret. I wanted to live… to truly live my life.

So I started telling. I told it in emails and nervous phone calls. My fears came true, my family was devastated. Some were angry.  Some damned me to hell. They did not understand. There were many tears & harsh words. Once I started telling though it was like the floodgates opened. I was hurting and realized if I wait for the hurt to heal it’ll just hurt all over again when I tell the next group of people. So I told everyone; family, then close friends, then extended family/friends, co-workers. It wasn’t all bad though, I found support in friendships that surprised me and even with co-workers. I told my ex and he didn’t even threaten my relationship with Pumpkin. I’ve retained primary custody and he’s not threatened it once to this day.

 I do not believe in “soul mates”, I’m a realist. Mathematically, this cannot compute in my head. So I will not say she is my soul mate, but I will say that we are connected. I knew when we met she would always be an important part of my life. As we fell in love, I came to realize I would leave this planet as her partner. No question, no doubt. I’ve worked harder on myself and this relationship than any other time in my life. I’ve cried and agonized and worked harder than I ever knew I could because we are connected. She is mine and I am hers and it’s really that simple. I went through the scariest thing in my life for this relationship, rejection & damnation from loved ones, but I did it because it was far scarier not to. Facing life without her is something I am too scared to ever do.